Dearest Elderly Ladies of Hungary,
First of all, I must state that I cannot make a COMPLETE generalization of Hungarian females over the age of 60 because I have met a few of you who are as sweet as sugar. BUT I must say that the majority of you need a major 'tude check. I realize getting old isn't easy and I dread the day it happens for me(although I can't wait to take advantage of those AARP discounts and watching Wheel of Fortune all day), but I can't take it anymore. Since you've driven me to the point of wanting to shake my fist at you every time I see any of you, I feel the need to file proper complaints and justifications for everything you openly judge me for. I write this in hopes of coming to an agreement so everyone can be a little happier. For your convenience (because you would probably snarl at me if I didn't write this in an orderly fashion), I have compiled a formal list of instances where I would prefer you to "check your attitude at the door" (insert a couple sassy finger snaps here). Please refer to the following:
1) I realize your bodies aren't totally up to par with a young whipper-snapper like myself, but when I try to pass you on the sidewalk, PLEASE don't grumble as if the sidewalk is a no-passing zone. I am all about stopping to smell the roses, but if I continue to walk behind you, the roses will bloom, die, and then grow again next season by the time I get to my destination.
2) PLEASE stop staring at my feet very disdainfully when I wear flip-flops or a skirt without stockings! And no, your constant glares and grimaces won't make me magically pull a pair of long-johns out of my bag and put them on to make you happy. You don't catch colds from the weather...you catch it from bacteria exchanged between individuals...
3) ...which brings me to my next point...when you cough and/or sneeze, cover your mouth so as to not cover me in phlegm! If you would like me to point you in the direction of some Kleenex or cough drops, I would be more than happy to...assuming you speak English.
4) This is more of a suggestion, rather than a formal grievance...it might be a good idea to check yourself out a little more closely in the mirror and take some tweezers (or in some cases a razor and shaving cream) to those long hairs sprouting up on your chins. Check your ears and nose while you're at it....but like I said...just a suggestion.
5) My last point is meant to be a form of encouragement...I realize the world isn't always on your side. I know you've lived through some pretty (pardon my French) crappy stuff in your lifetime. But can you please smile once in awhile? Actually, I won't even ask that much...could you at least not look utterly miserable and grumpy all the time? Maybe if you practiced smiling for just a few minutes a day, it could become more of a habit. Believe me, it's not as horrible as people may have led you to believe up until now.
I fully plan to make it my everyday mission to make you a little happier. I will continue to smile at you, even when the gesture isn't returned. I will gladly help you get into a seat or give up my seat if there is nowhere to sit. If you take a little longer getting on the bus and I'm a few minutes late to my destination, I will not make a fuss because like I said earlier, getting old is hell. But if I hold up my end of the bargain, I would very much appreciate some help from your side in making my life and the lives of others a little better (i.e. not a living hell when in your presence).
Thank you for your time.
Signed with love,